Breaking news: Karaoke pandemic spreading across southeast Asia

Travelers are being warned to stay away from southeast Asia due to recent outbreaks of Karaoke — a painful infection of the ear that has spread from Japan across the globe. An outbreak occurred in the Philippines over Christmas, and has now spread to Vietnam for their New Year, known as “Tet”.

Scientists are looking for patterns in the infection’s behaviour but have discovered that it can strike at any time of day and any day of the week, regardless of whether people have jobs or sleeping children. One neighbour has reportedly had the infection for eight continuous days — sometimes going all evening, all night and all morning — taking breaks only to gamble.

The most at risk population seems to be men who can’t sing, between the ages of 20 and 60. Even if you are not infected yourself, you can suffer from insomnia, headache and eventual madness if you live next to an infected household.

The most effective treatment is a nationwide power outage. Being a big old Grinch and asking your neighbours to turn down the volume has proven utterly ineffective.

Travelers who are unable to escape infected areas are advised to immediately buy noise canceling ear phones or earplugs to keep the infection from penetrating into the brain.

Scientists are hopeful that the pandemic will ease tomorrow as today is the last day of Tet. Travelers hope and pray the infection will remain contained and not spread to Bali — their next destination.

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